Avast, me hearties! This is great. In honor of “Talk Like a Pirate Day” the Ironic Catholic has a dialogue between “Lizzie, the Pirate Wench” and her priest after she discovers Theology of the Body:

Lizzie: Ahoy, Fath’r! I be needin’ some spiritual view from the mizzenmast.

Fath’r: Aye, Lizzie, what need ye?

Lizzie: I be thinkin’, Fath’r. Ye know that me and Jack have been caboodlin’ in the anchorhold fer some time now.

Fath’r: (countenance darkening) Aye, aye, ’tis known.

Lizzie: I be realizin’ that Jack be usin’ me for me wenchful looks. I just now be reading that “theology of th’ body” stuff and am thinking we may be in a “walkin’ the plank” relationship.

Fath’r: Aye, what yer doin’ dunna invite fullness of life, lassie.

Lizzie: I jus’ not be knowin’ what to do now, Fath’r. I love the scurvy buccaneer, but I be a pirate wench all me bleedin’ life.

Fath’r: Lizzie…ye dunna strike me as a lily-livered lass.

Lizzie: By the powers, Fath’r! I dunna care if you be a holy priest, there be no need to be insultin’! I can take a cutlass to ye wit’ the best of the scallywags on this here ship!

Fath’r: Me hearty, ’tis a compliment. Ye need be takin’ your fearlessness and tellin’ Jack about the beauty of the married state. Wit’out the cutlass.

Lizzie: (defeated) But Fath’r, Jack be a swashbucklin’ gentleman of fortune livin’ life on the account. He be more willin’ to part with all the hands’ pieces of eight combined than walk down the marriage aisle. I never be hearin’ of a married pirate. ‘Tis unnatural.

Fath’r: Lizzie, me daughter, thinkin’ yourself as nothin’ but a pirate’s wench be unnatural. Ye be a lass of God. Ye be created fur more than this. And what ye be doin’ wit’ Jack now–’tis like a life on the worst grog, lass. Ye deserve the wat’r of life.

(long silence)

Read the rest, mateys!

See all of IC’s pirate humor here.